I’ve been prone to waiting for the right time to do things. A lot of us are I guess. We get used to the idea of new years resolutions, new beginnings, perfect circumstances falling into our laps like lotto wins.
And they don’t. Which isn’t misfortune, it’s very fortunate indeed.
Because eventually, if we’re lucky, we realize that that idea of perfect circumstances is our finest form of sabotage, and that most really amazing things start small and they start right now.
For a while now I’ve been lamenting that I didn’t have time to exercise. I know, perhaps I could have gotten up before the baby and ran into the sunrise, but it felt too hard, so I didn’t. And I got more annoyed, at the circumstances I thought, then I realised I was actually frustrated at myself for getting in my own way.
It turns out you can fit an entire workout in over a day of chasing kids. Squats can be done while the kettle boils, push ups off the kitchen bench, situps can be spread out across the day when you can squeeze them in, your core can be worked with posture, and a little yoga or weights before bed or when waking aren’t hard to fit in at all. It’s not perfect, but it’s *good*, and more importantly it’s getting better.
I’m also realizing that trying to do everything is as much of a trap as doing nothing.
I love the *idea* of my vegetable garden. I love freshly picked produce and my hands in the dirt. But right now, with three small children and a busy life I’m not getting to it. With each week my frustration has grown with the weeds.
I’ve decided it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’re nourished, that we’re happy, that the time we have together isn’t constantly spent trying to get to something else.
The lawn has been fighting to claim my hill garden for as long as it’s been planted. I am graciously allowing it to win for now.
My garden beds will soon be covered in cardboard and mulch.
The ground can rest, along with my frustration.
I’m exercising more, I’m moving.
I’m becoming more organised in ways that will give me time and ease, and letting go of the rest.
I’m reading more, even a page or two before bed when I thought I couldn’t fit it in.
I’m slowly finding colour, the splashes I’d dreamt of decorating my home with all at once “when I had the money”. I’m bringing brightness in with beach towels and nailpolish, colourful salads or walls of photos. It’s not all at once, but why did I think it had to be? It’s not matching, but that’s not as interesting anyway is it?
I’m saving more for the kids, remembering how much a couple of dollars you didn’t know you had adds up to over time.
And I’m trying, in that way that will organically ebb and flow, to let go of the things I put so much importance on that weren’t making us happier.
I’m looking around my life right now and seeing how many things I let get in my way. How many wonderful things I can be creating slowly right now, and how many I’ve been distracting myself from the good stuff with.
I’m not making any new years resolutions this coming year. I’m starting small things now instead, and at the same time letting other things go.
Sometimes we look at everything we want to have in place and it can weigh us down, when really, what we want is to feel light. We want to laugh, to feel rich, to feel nourished and loved. Those things start now, small and beautiful.