The Duality

I’ve been living a bit of a duality lately, between where I am and where I want to be.

Physically I’m in a great place, our new house, but these past few weeks have been filled with lots challenges, some everyday moments like sick kids, no hot water or clogged toilets, some random moments like fence palings falling off en-mass, hold ups and delays, then job and income issues. Some of these things have been small, others have been huge. One at a time they would have blended right in, but they’ve come all at once. And it’s just been a LOT.

I fully believe in the law of attraction, that our energy and state of mind attracts things to us. I also believe in destiny and fate, and everything I believe in has told me I should be in a state of allowing – of peace, of trust and joy. Should be, but haven’t been.

I’ve had moments of overwhelming clarity, but my days have largely been seasoned by madness…and it has bothered me.

So instead of pushing to try to get somewhere I’m not, I’ve decided to relax. I’ve decided that “I am here” and maybe I’m meant to be here right now, maybe there’s something to learn right in this crazy imperfect moment. Maybe I don’t need to be over there where I’ve got it all together, because there might be a treasure or two to find over here in the mess.

You see, I crave certainty; I like to be in control. I even like my spontaneity a little planned.  Everything in this past month has shaken that up. It has pushed me. Even as I find myself saying “I just want to KNOW what’s happening” I hear my inner voice reply “but you never do, no one does, they just think they do.” And I ponder how true that is even as I try to grab onto something solid at the same time.

I have seen so clearly this month how chaos attracts more of itself, how good can come out of nowhere, how plans are just asking to be shaken up, and how there is beauty and joy and good to be found in anything, even the hard days, even the ones where it’s all a bit much.

It feels good when things coast along as you thought they would. But sometimes it takes a shake up to really make you question things fiercely, to stretch yourself in ways you’ll be grateful for later. You learn a lot in those shaken up times, a lot that will make the next lot of coasting along so much sweeter.

I wasted a lot of time trying to get to this perfect state of mind these past few weeks, but since I’ve realized the richness in the seeking, the questioning and the mistakes along the way a funny thing has happened; I’m allowing, I’m trusting, I’m joyful. Right here, right now, in amongst it. Because I’ve stopped looking for the perfect situation or the day when things go just right, I’ve stopped putting so much focus on things working out ok, because I get that they are ok.

In fact, they’re great… even when they are a little seasoned by madness.


 Copyright Nirvana Dawson 2013